Sunday, 29 March 2009

People are people

I couldn't tell you the number of times I've heard someone on TV say how their mum is their best friend, or their daughter is their best friend. People I know who have siblings are also seemingly enamoured with them. To me, though…my family are no different from any other people.

I have no contact at all with my siblings. My brother makes the occasional attempt at communication around Christmas and my Birthday and I reciprocate purely because I am mirroring the effort he makes. I have no contact whatsoever with my sister. Not even around Christmas or birthdays. My parents call me once a week (sometimes I even answer the phone) but if it wasn't for their weekly phone call, if I'm honest, I'd have no contact with them either.

The perfect family relationship for me would be to have no contact with any of my family ever. There you go, I've written it down, I've said it. Don't I just sound like a horrible person? But I'm not…I can't help how I feel. I just hate being forced to communicate with people on their terms. I'm dreading what will happen when one of my parents passes away. I'm so scared about how I'll feel about it. I hope to God that some primordial instinct will kick in and I'll feel sadness and grief like everyone else does. Because if it doesn't and I have to fake these things I think that would seriously push me over the edge.

I know I sound cold-hearted and horrible, but I just can't seem to really connect with anyone, even my own family. To me they're just people.

3 comments:

carrym said...

I'm mostly a lurker, but also a fellow adult aspie, though undiagnosed.

I wanted to comment because this is exactly how I feel! I have no contact with my siblings or my father. My mother is much more persistent, but I get tired of the guilt she tries to use to manipulate, so I've been pulling further and further away.

I just wanted to thank you for posting this, it makes me feel a bit less of a freak.

Catana said...

I maintain a tenuous relationship with my children, more because they expect it than because I need it. I care about them, even worry about them when they're having problems, but a once-a-month call from my out-of-state son is plenty, and a once-a-month (or less) visit to my other son is also plenty and sometimes more than enough.

It's not something to feel guilty about.

Beastinblack said...

Ditto about communication on my own terms. Problem is the longer I go without communicating with a certain individual the harder and more awkward it is when I do eventually see them.

Communicating with each person is like learning a whole new skill hence my circle of friends will never be any more than 1 or 2 select individuals.

Must admit I see my sister and her two kids twice a week, every saturday and every wednesday. Keep it as a set routine and it isnt so bad. Plus I dont mind kids (who are my own family!) because I like playing with lego and messing about being silly with them. Not that I always have loads to say to my sister, but still, I say enough to get by! It is true that too much contact with people just grinds you down and you need time out. As though you are 'all peopled out'!